Just Psoas We're Clear...

…I'm not out of the woods.

Not at all.

It's rearing it's ugly head again, and I'm nearly in a tailspin.

Two days ago we were celebrating Christmas with my family-in-law. It was a wonderful day with the two new kiddos in the family. We were exchanging gifts and I was sitting on the floor with Josh, getting ready to help him open some gifts. There was nothing of any value to note really…I wasn't sitting in a strange position, or jerking about in any particular way. It just, all of a sudden happened. My psoas tensed up and tweaked. It began to ache and throb, just like it used to do right before it would spasm. I felt my face go white, and I know Matt sensed my panic because he kept asking me what was wrong and saying to sit on the couch and relax.

It never ended up actually spasming, and by the end of the night I had almost completely forgotten about it. I took some ibuprofen before bed, and made sure not to sleep on my right side at all. I woke up yesterday and felt much better.

But then this morning, as I crawled out of our big easy chair (the same chair I was in the first time I ever had a psoas spasm…apparently I don't learn lessons well. This was, to say the least, a "teachable moment."), the psoas tensed up and throbbed/ached again. This time it was to the point where I was afraid to stand up straight, because that was always the spasm trigger the last time this was an issue. I immediately took some ibuprofen and put some heat on it. It's about three hours later and it feels a lot better now.

But the thing is…now it's out there. Now it's a worry again. Something I will constantly be paranoid about. What if it happens while I'm alone with Josh? I don't want to be dramatic, but I hate the thought of it happening while I'm taking care of him. Now I'm so careful when lifting him, extra cautious not to move or bend oddly. It's disheartening, to feel like this will always be a wet blanket hanging over me.

When I first started drafting this entry, I wrote the first line as: "I'm not out of the woods, yet." After a while I realized that my condition may not be conducive to the use of "yet" in that statement. I am starting to think that I will never truly be out of the woods with this "recovery." Can I even call it a recovery after four years? I guess so…

Anyway, it's a harsh realization, when you go from carefree back to concern in the blink of an eye.

Matt and I keep trying to say that we have to cut my hip a bit of slack here, considering my body has changed SO MUCH in a year and a half. I've gone from 126 pounds pre-pregnancy, to 173 pounds in nine months; and then from 173 pounds to 111 pounds in the next eight months. That's a CRAZY amount of change for my body. I'm hoping that I can just start doing some daily stretches and just be a little more cognizant of it, and maybe it won't end up being an issue at all.

I will keep you posted. I'm hoping this is just a quick bump in the road.

(OT) A Deluge Of Love

"How does it feel to be a mom?"

I get that question a lot. It seems like such a simple question, but it couldn't have a more complicated answer.

How does it feel to be a mom? I think the shortest answer is: overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed with confusion, and exhaustion. (Oh...the exhaustion.) I'm overwhelmed with laughter and smiles, and sheer joy. I'm overwhelmed with anticipation for the future. I'm overwhelmed by the lightening fast changes.
I'm engulfed by WORRY. (The worry...it's palpable, especially in the small hours of the morning.) I'm overwhelmed by the constantly growing "to-do" list. I'm drowning in laundry and cleaning and dishes. I'm overwhelmed by all other aspects of my life, because it is very difficult to keep up with the rest of the world. I feel like I am running a race, and I am very far behind. I'm constantly beleaguered with the need to feed, clothe, change, entertain, and soothe this little being.

But on top of all things, the most prominent sentiment...the feeling that conquers them all, with it's resolute presence? I am so totally overwhelmed with love. The love flows like a constant, unwavering deluge. Love like I never knew existed. It's a feeling that you just cannot understand or explain until you have a child. It's like a piece of me from inside is now on the outside. And he's this little beautiful, smiling, happy-go-lucky boy who just now consumes all of my waking moments.

He is the everything in my life. The sun rises and it sets with his smiles and laughter. His heartbeats make mine skip. The little, soft hands touch my face and, in turn, melt my heart. He fills me up in places that I didn't know were empty. He is the very heart and soul inside me.

He is so overwhelmingly all-consuming that sometimes I just can't stand it. So that. That is how it feels to be a mother. It's wonderful, and confusing, and hilarious, and maddening, and exhausting, and overwhelming.

How does it feel to be a mother? Even "overwhelming" doesn't seem to do it justice. But it is absolutely the best thing that I have ever done. Being his momma is the best, but most difficult experience of my life...and I can't wait to see what our future holds. 

Oh Baby!

Hi!
Oh my. I'm a terrible blogger and I apologize. I've been a bit busy, you know…having a baby and all!

We've welcomed JM! He was born April 17, weighing 7 lbs 7 oz. A perfectly healthy and happy, beautiful gift from above. To say Matt and I are over the moon is just a bit of an understatement. He is the best thing that has ever happened to us and we are so in love!

He's just about 8 months old now. He's kind of saying "Mama," he's trying really hard to crawl, and he's got two teeth coming in on the bottom! He is just the bees knees. :)

I could go on forever about what it's been like to be a mom, but honestly I feel like this first post back into this blog after such a long absence should be short and sweet for you guys. Just to get you up to date on the most important stuff, so I don't overwhelm you with a 4329473 page long post about mom-hood.

As far as the end of my pregnancy, and my delivery goes, I really had a pretty great experience. I think a lot of women hip-y's who hope to start family's worry a lot about how our hips will impact our pregnancies and deliveries.

I have to tell you that having RPAO made ALL the difference in my pregnancy. I had very little pain, if any, on my right side. I gained about 50 pounds and honestly, I hardly had much pain at all. I mostly just felt heavy and achy. But I'm sure all women feel that way at the end of a pregnancy. The majority of the pain and discomfort that I felt was in my left side sciatic, and some general left side hip pain. To remind you all, I still have impingement on that side, so there's some lingering pain there. Nothing that I feel needs to be addressed, though. The only thing I really felt on my right side was occasional weakness.

As far as delivery goes, my hip surgeon, OB/GYN, husband and I all had conversations about how to approach delivering this baby. Matt's main concern (and rightfully so) was me re-injuring my hip during delivery and not being healthy to enjoy my new baby. We also worried about me being injured and poor Matt having to take care of me and help with the new baby. I worried about these thing, a lot. I reached out to other women who delivered vaginally and heard good success stories, however I also heard women talking about not being able to get the baby through the birth canal. Some even told me they re-tore their labrum while pushing. It took a lot of time to think and deliberate, but everyone pretty much came to the conclusion that a scheduled caesarian was the way to go.

I'm going to get real for a second, because I know you other hip-y's can understand. Do you know what I feared most? I feared being injured during delivery and falling back into that depressing feeling of helplessness that we can sometimes get in to. Only people with chronic pain can really understand what I'm talking about when I say this. But I honestly worried so much that I would tear a labrum, or something even worse, and I would have this new baby that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to enjoy because I would be consumed by the thoughts of another surgery and recovery. Or worse, the thought that maybe I did something that wasn't able to be fixed. Those feelings of pain and constant exhaustion and helplessness? I couldn't bear the thought of having those emotions with my first new baby in my arms.

So we chose caesarian. And you know what? I am SO GLAD that I did. In comparison to my PAO, it was EASY-PEASY. There was some pain, but the surgery and recovery was seriously so easy and smooth.

I just want to say for a sec: I am not insinuating that a c-section is not serious business. I don't want to offend anyone who's had a c-section and felt it extremely difficult. It's major abdominal surgery and it is not anything to mess with. I am just telling you that for me, since it was my fourth surgery in four years, it was a pretty easy recovery.

I have so many other things I want to say, and I promise to say them all at some point. But for now I just want to get back on the horse with this blog and say "Hello!" and "I'm back!"

I can't wait to get back into a groove with this! I really missed it.

We'll talk soon,
D