Just Psoas We're Clear...

…I'm not out of the woods.

Not at all.

It's rearing it's ugly head again, and I'm nearly in a tailspin.

Two days ago we were celebrating Christmas with my family-in-law. It was a wonderful day with the two new kiddos in the family. We were exchanging gifts and I was sitting on the floor with Josh, getting ready to help him open some gifts. There was nothing of any value to note really…I wasn't sitting in a strange position, or jerking about in any particular way. It just, all of a sudden happened. My psoas tensed up and tweaked. It began to ache and throb, just like it used to do right before it would spasm. I felt my face go white, and I know Matt sensed my panic because he kept asking me what was wrong and saying to sit on the couch and relax.

It never ended up actually spasming, and by the end of the night I had almost completely forgotten about it. I took some ibuprofen before bed, and made sure not to sleep on my right side at all. I woke up yesterday and felt much better.

But then this morning, as I crawled out of our big easy chair (the same chair I was in the first time I ever had a psoas spasm…apparently I don't learn lessons well. This was, to say the least, a "teachable moment."), the psoas tensed up and throbbed/ached again. This time it was to the point where I was afraid to stand up straight, because that was always the spasm trigger the last time this was an issue. I immediately took some ibuprofen and put some heat on it. It's about three hours later and it feels a lot better now.

But the thing is…now it's out there. Now it's a worry again. Something I will constantly be paranoid about. What if it happens while I'm alone with Josh? I don't want to be dramatic, but I hate the thought of it happening while I'm taking care of him. Now I'm so careful when lifting him, extra cautious not to move or bend oddly. It's disheartening, to feel like this will always be a wet blanket hanging over me.

When I first started drafting this entry, I wrote the first line as: "I'm not out of the woods, yet." After a while I realized that my condition may not be conducive to the use of "yet" in that statement. I am starting to think that I will never truly be out of the woods with this "recovery." Can I even call it a recovery after four years? I guess so…

Anyway, it's a harsh realization, when you go from carefree back to concern in the blink of an eye.

Matt and I keep trying to say that we have to cut my hip a bit of slack here, considering my body has changed SO MUCH in a year and a half. I've gone from 126 pounds pre-pregnancy, to 173 pounds in nine months; and then from 173 pounds to 111 pounds in the next eight months. That's a CRAZY amount of change for my body. I'm hoping that I can just start doing some daily stretches and just be a little more cognizant of it, and maybe it won't end up being an issue at all.

I will keep you posted. I'm hoping this is just a quick bump in the road.

Disabling the Disability

You know, it’s funny. I commuted into Boston today to work out of our corporate headquarters. I took the train, and then walked from the train station about 10 blocks/a half mile to our office. As I got ready in the morning, I knew I had to wear sneakers because of this long walk. I put my sneakers on thinking “Will I ever be able to make a decision without weighing the effects it will have on my hips?” I thought that even though I’m surgically “fixed”…I’m not really, technically, fixed. I guess that even after a surgery like this, us hippies always have to worry about the fatigue, and the arthritis damage, and all of our little dings and dents we’ve gathered along the way. While I feel great (and I really do), I think everyone can admit that we still seem to have some minor limitations. And it got me to thinking, even after having a corrective surgery, do we still carry the burden of a “disability?”

Before surgery, it look me a long time to admit that I have a disability. It seems like a word that’s meant for people who are truly worse off than I am, or was. I always felt like saying that I have a disability was me trying to make excuses for myself. As my pain progressed, everyday things got harder and harder for me. I began to face that fact that admitting that I have a disability is not making excuses, it’s accepting myself and my limitations for who I am and what they are. And that is far more important than pride. Mentally and physically, that was the hardest thing for me to admit.

Then, I settled into that definition. I came to terms with it. And, as I planned out the surgery and recovery, it really came to be a part of me and I embraced it. I knew my limitations and I could accommodate them. It was certainly a hard pill to swallow, but I felt as though the best way to deal with the situation was to face it head on. And so I did. Throughout PAO and scope recovery, I pushed myself when I needed to, and I cut myself slack when it was necessary. I lived with the hope that with every passing day, I was leaving my “disability” a little farther behind. 

As time went on, I got stronger; I became mobile and agile, and I became essentially pain free. And after a long while, I really felt great. And I still do. I feel better than I EVER have in my life. But, the reality is, I will never, ever be 100%. None of us hippies will ever truly be 100%. I just don’t think it’s possible. 

We all have our creaks and our cracks, and we have our aches and our pains (some worse than others). I have “start-up” pain in my left hip, and I still have arthritis pain in both hips most days. It’s not terrible, and it’s not constant, but it’s there. I guess my question is, we can recover from surgery, but do we ever recover from our “disability?” I was probably insatiably optimistic to think that I would wake up one day and feel like I never ever had any hip problems at all. I’m learning more and more, as time passes, that I will never truly shake myself of this feeling of being “disabled.” Even on my good days, where I am predominantly pain free, I worry about my hip. Mostly unnecessarily, for sure, but the slightest bit of worry is there.

And what’s worse is that these are the best days for me and my hips. They are great days, and I am thankful for them. I am doing things every day that I wouldn’t have been able to do effortlessly pre-surgery. However, I can’t help but have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that it’s really kind of all downhill from here. These blue skies and tranquil waters are available for a limited time only. It’s like a ticking time bomb.  When will the other shoe drop?

Anyway, I hate to sound dramatic. It’s certainly not like I’m feeling this way every day. This morning, as I planned to wear sneakers because of the long walk, it just kind of struck me that there really is no way around these hip thoughts. And even though I feel better, I will never feel totally “normal.” I won’t ever be able to be totally carefree about my hips and how I use them. This is a fact of life for us hippies. 

However, I insist to always look at the positive. I still am thankful, every day, for the PAO surgery and my recovery. I am thankful that I can walk pain free, every day. I’m thankful for Dr. Schiller, and University Orthopedics. I’m thankful for Rhode Island Hospital and their fabulous care. I am thankful for Lepre Physical Therapy, and for Tom Almeida, who was a Godsend to me during my recovery. Truly a friend and huge supporter. I’m thankful for a one-of-a-kind husband who is irreplaceable. I (literally) could not have done all of this without him. And I’m thankful for all of my family and my friends.

I have a good life, and there’s no disability that will ever change that.

Detour Ahead

Well, I know it's been a while and that no news usually means good news. And you know what? It has been good news! It's been almost two months since I last wrote, and in that time I have been really great.
Since we spoke last a few integral things have happened. 1) I have been going continuously to PT, and 2) I have been instructed by my surgeon to not do any heavy lifting at my job. Both of these things have helped tremendously. I have been feeling really great.

But, with almost every good, there comes some bad...so here's mine:
It seems as though I cannot lift really anything. (I preface this with I've been really awesome, so I hate to complain at all...this is more of an informational post than anything.) I say that I can't really lift anything because on Sunday I picked up and carried a laundry basket full of clothing about...I don't know...10 feet? The laundry basket weighed about 30 pounds (Yes...I weighed it). After lifting it, my psoas felt a little tight, but it wasn't terrible. A few minutes later though, my muscles were throbbing. It was the all too familiar pain that I get right before I spasm. I tried to just keep it extended and relax...but it was really difficult. For the rest of the night, and even most of yesterday, I had a really hard time walking. Every time I get up, the psoas is very stiff and painful. It seems better today, after just resting it a lot. I'll keep you posted on all of this.

I told you that Dr. S instructed me to not do any lifting. Well, because of this, I have to go through my HR department at work and have a written note and have "restrictions/accommodations" on file. This is because there are times during my workday where I may be asked to lift heavy items. Right now my note from Dr. S is very vauge, and HR would like it to be more specific so that we can all better understand my needs. And I agree. I think that, overall, this laundry basket situation will actually help me, because now I understand that lifting just 30 pounds is going to put me in a bad spot. So I am going to talk with Dr. S and his office this week and better define my restrictions.

So, as annoying as it was to have this episode, I think it will actually help us to define my needs right now. And I think it helped me really understand just how fragile this situation is. I probably knew I shouldn't lift that laundry basket (alright...I knew I shouldn't), but I've been feeling so great I figured it would be fine. I obviously learned that lesson pretty quickly and I won't be making that mistake again.

Well, this is frustrating. The longer this whole thing drags out the longer it feels like it's never going to get better. Will this always be this way? Who knows...
Anyone out there have any psoas insight?

That's all I've really got for you right now. I haven't been to PT in two weeks because I've been wayyyy busy at work. The next time I go, I'll update you all on the exercises I'm doing to help out this psoas.

Hope all you hip-y's are doing well.
D

 

Moving Forward, Looking Back.

Finally! Today I finally got a respectable answer on what is going on/a plan of action.

It’s been two weeks since the MRI and while I know that Dr. S’s office is very busy…a girl needs some guidance and reassurance here and there!

I had my MRI on the morning of Friday, April 25^th. That afternoon, Hilda from Dr. S’s office called me to tell me that the preliminary report came back. The good and bad news is that the MRI was completely clean. No issues whatsoever. Which is great news, but also baffling. She said that everything on the MRI was perfectly fine in the hip area, but that I had a cyst on my right ovary and I needed to call my doctor to have that looked at. (Seriously? “You can stop worrying about one thing, but here’s another!”)

Hilda explained that this was just the preliminary report and that Dr. Schiller wanted his preferred radiologist to look at it before we decide on any plan and that they would call back. So I waited and waited to hear back about this…and I just heard today (after several check-ins and voicemails on my part)! It was a pretty aggravating two weeks....yikes. I don’t usually ever have a bad thing to say about that office…but I was really stressed about this whole situation.

Anyway, I had PT that afternoon of my MRI. I met with Val and she stretched me, massaged the muscles and asked me to go through the stretches she had given to me. I talked to her about the pain I was having after doing the stretches (the pain I described in my last post). Val said that it seems like the muscle group is just so tight and strained that it doesn’t want to relax with any amount of stretching at this point. So, we have to start with some very light, “easy-does-it” exercises. We are now doing exercises that don’t require me to work against gravity; just two different exercises with a stretch or two at night for now, until I feel like I can handle more. I haven’t been to her office since the MRI day, since she was away for a little while and my week this week has been crazy. I have another PT appointment next Friday and another the Friday after that. Dr. Schiller says he wants me to continue PT for at least a few more weeks to see if it gets any better. If it doesn’t get better than we will have to re-assess at that point.

Additionally, I’ve been to the doctor about the cyst on my ovary and my doctor is not concerned about it at all. He looked over the MRI and said it’s so tiny that he’s not sure he would have even mentioned it if he had seen it. He is fairly certain it’s a follicular cyst, which is very common. Just in case, we are doing an ultrasound on Tuesday to be sure.

As far as the actual psoas goes, it’s been doing okay. I haven’t had a real spasm in just over two weeks. The new exercises make it unhappy but I do feel like they are making it a little better. Slowly, but surely. I haven’t been doing much in the way of strenuous activity so it’s had some time to rest. Yesterday, though, I was in the field doing some heavy lifting. By the end of the field visit, I could feel the wrath of the psoas. It was really achy and tight…throbbing even, like it might want to spasm. It didn’t spasm, which is huge. By the end of the day, it had calmed down a lot and was mostly just achy. Today it feels completely fine, again…which is great. I would think that the lifting definitely isn’t great for it, but I honestly feel like once we get PT going on a regular basis we will be moving in a much better direction. Three weeks ago, I wouldn’t have even been able to lift anything heavy without some serious pain. Yesterday felt like a step in the right direction. We will have to see how the next few weeks go.

To end, I'll just say that these are the most frustrating types of issues...are they not? You and your doctor obviously know that something is wrong...but you have no physical evidence to tell you what it is, exactly. My muscles feel as hard as a rock, but the MRI shows nothing wrong at all...so what is going on!? These "let's just wait and see if you get better" courses of action are the absolute worst. I know there isn't anything better that Dr. S can do at this point in time...but I can't help but feel like we're not doing anything about it at all (even though that's not true). The patience that I harp on ALL THE TIME in regards to this recovery is seriously waning. I just want to be better and normal and done with all this! I'm a year and a half out...I shouldn't be dealing with this, seriously! 

Rant over...I promise. Lately I do feel better, so I am focusing on that. But I can't help but think about how much these spasms hurt, and how they impact my life when they happen. It's a helpless feeling when you can't move at all without severe pain. I'm in a strange limbo right now where I'm trying really hard to focus ahead and move forward...but I'm also stuck looking back on the past few weeks. What if this doesn't get completely better with PT? What if I keep getting these spasms at seemingly random times? What happens at that point? Do we go in surgically and see what's going on? Do we take out my surgical screws? What if THAT doesn't work? Will I be able to carry a little one on this psoas? Right now, I certainly don't think I could. Who wants to be super pregnant with major hip spasms that render you immobile? Not me! I don't even want them now, never mind when I'm in the middle of a pregnancy. Talk about stress. 

There's no timeline for this...and that drives me crazy. It's a waiting game...and I just have to keep being patient....

I’ll keep you posted on my PT as we move forward. Just another small roadblock, but I’ll figure my way around it!

Thanks all,

D

One Day at a Time

Today I write from the sorrow-y side of things, so I apologize in advance for any melodramatic undertones. BUT, I have had a giant fudge-y brownie so it shouldn't be toooo bad.

Well. Here's what's what. After that PT appointment I discussed in my last Climbing Mountains post, I walked over to Dr. Schiller's office to thank Hilda for everything she had done for me while I was in my meltdown so wonderfully described in my Wallows and Sorrows post. When I saw her, she asked me to come into her office and we just chatted about all my stress of the situation, and how much it hurts and how it's really worrying me. Dr. Schiller just happened to be in the hallway and came over to give me a hug and try and see what is going on with this stupid screwed up hip (LITERALLY). I described my issues and my concerns, and he felt around in the area that's really bothering me. After talking with me and feeling around, he immediately said "Let's just order the MRI." He really wants to see what's going on, since I'll probably need it eventually anyway…why wait? So, I get the MRI tomorrow morning at 7:15. 

Lets fast forward from last Friday to this past Wednesday. Now I've been to PT with Val three times, and I've been doing my exercises, stretches, and massage three times a day for almost two weeks. The PT activities that I have been doing at home and in office are not seeming to help one bit. What's worse, after I do my stretches at night...my leg actually hurts so bad I can't even bend down to pick up my yoga mat off the floor. I have to leave it there all night, where is stares at me like a sign of failure…"You can't even pick me up, you weak and angry psoas" (that's the brownie talking).

I should at least be feeling a little better after two weeks. The stretching should at least seem to be relieving the pain, even if it's just a little bit. And Val said that while massaging, she's noticing that it doesn't seem any more loose in there, it should at least seem a little less contracted and irritated. Everything still feels extremely hard and tight. These, obviously, are not the greatest of signs. So, for now, we are holding off on everything except heat/ice and massage until we get the MRI results and have a better idea of what's happening in there.

I had a stressful work day, today. I am really having a hard time figuring out what I should be doing. My job requires a lot of physical labor, sometimes heavy lifting and moving, and always a lot of walking and climbing. These types of activities, I know, are not great for your hip and especially not good for a mega-angry psoas. Drugging myself up on the Valium helps me get through the day…but really...how long do I go on like this? If I talk to my surgeon about this and he takes me off field work again, all I'll do is worry about losing my job. 

I know that the MRI will help figure out what we'll need to do from here…but between when I have the MRI and when I'll likely see my surgeon to discuss the results will probably be a week. Next week I have strenuous field work every single day, with serious deadlines that project work depends upon. Work that really only I could do. 

Today, my leg spasmed just from walking down the hall. That was new. It's usually just been when sitting or standing motion. I am certain I'm overloading it…but I'm walking a strange line, I'm in a gray area. I don't know what to do. The spasms aren't constant and sometimes I can go a whole day without a serious spasm, but when I do get them, they are debilitating. What if I'm in the middle of the woods and I get one of these? How do I hike a mile out of the woods if I can't even move my leg? Worse, what if I step in another freakin' hornets nest (seriously…who does that?)? 

BUT, what if I say that I can't do any more field work until I figure out what is going on with my surgeon and end up having absolutely no issues the whole time. I don't want to let anyone down, and I don't want to miss out on good field experience….but I, most importantly, just want to get better. 

I am in an impossible situation. 

I am hoping that I see my surgeon tomorrow after PT, and I am hoping that he can give me some guidance on what he thinks I should do with field work. Matt is really worried about me continuing field work, and rightfully so. There are a lot of unknowns, and a lot of "What ifs?" 

So, here's a big, exhaustive sigh. I am stressed to the max about all this. I really hope I can figure some of this out tomorrow.

Climbing Mountains

**Note, I actually wrote this on Sunday, but had to run out the door before I could polish it up for your folks. I have more to update you on, now that it's Thursday. But I have to wait until tonight to post (I know, you can barely contain yourselves).

Just a quick update.

Friday morning I was scheduled for PT at 7 am at the hospital, so I got up nice and early to take my Valium and have my cup of coffee. As I reached up into the cupboard for my coffee cup, my hip went into another spasm. I caught it super quickly, and immediately put pressure and did gentle stretching and generally got it under control so I could function. But it continued to lightly spasms most of the morning, even at PT. Val (my new PT), did a lot of direct massage and stretching to get it to calm down a bit and as I left there that morning, it felt weak, but it felt a little better.

These are the stretches I do with Val, along with a couple others.

Most of those are self explanatory, but just want to add that the left side, middle stretch is done without the physio ball. This is just like the position you get in when you're going to do those "mountain-climber" exercises, except you really work on pushing your pelvis down and your shoulders up. I find it ironic that I have to do these mountain climbers since I feel as though this whole recovery has been one giant mountain I'm trying my hardest to summit.

Anyone, something of probably little need to note, the butterfly stretch there hurts my left hip with it's FAI. To be expected, but figured I'd document.

Val also added in some light exercises. I do those blasted side leg lifts again, as well as standing, backward leg lifts. Additionally, she's got me doing some isometric muscle exercises that target the psoas/hip flexor without over-doing it. She has me lie on my back and bring my foot up so my leg is bent. From there she pushes on my knee, while having me push my knee towards my chest. This contracts and works those muscle groups without putting a ton of load on them. These hurt like a son-of-a-gun...but I will do whatever it takes to get this thing better.

I see Val again next Wednesday and in the meantime I am supposed to keep doing the stretches and the exercises three times a day every day.

Wallows and Sorrows

I had a day yesterday. A DAY. 

I’m just going to warn you that this post is full of whining and wallowing in sorrows and I HATE being that way. While I’m feeling way better now and far more like my optimistic and enthusiastic self…yesterday I had a bad, bad day. And while I’d rather just erase this day from my memory and move on with my life, this blog is a place to document the good, the bad, and the way ugly.

To start, that morning I had to drive an hour away to a field site where I had to spend most of my day. Because my prescribed Valium makes me feel like an astronaut floating through space, I thought it best to not take this pill and then drive a bazillion miles south down a 3-4 lane highway. I felt fine all day, much to my surprise. It felt a little, teeny bit tight, but mostly fine.

I had my Physical Therapy appointment scheduled at the hospital for yesterday afternoon. This was with the therapist associated with my surgeon’s office. I had intended to take my Valium when I changed to go to the appointment. THAT plan got foiled because we ran late in the field and I had to run around like ninny just to make it to the hospital in time for my 2:45 appointment. (Which I then had to sit and wait around for another half hour for them to be ready to take me…but I digress.)

Val, the very nice lady who looks very much like Sophia Bush, took me in and asked me 7 million questions and wrote notes all over my form. They all looked like chicken scratch but they apparently meant something to her. Then the fun stuff began.

She took all sorts of measurements of hip angles and ranges of motion. She took some lying on my back and my belly, an even on each side. She took measurements of both hips for comparison. There was lots of stretching and pushing and pulling. Then she started showing me “light” stretches to focus on the psoas/hip flexors. At that point, I could feel things getting a little angry in there. Just liiiiiittle bit angry.

She asked me how I thought the spasms might be triggered, so I told her that every time they’ve happened so far, it has been directly after sitting down. The folding of my torso and the contracting the muscle together seems to be what’s causing it (in my non-medically-trained brain). So she seemed intrigued but not surprised. Innocently she said “Okay, so just do me a favor, stand up and then bring your leg up into a marching motion.” And….BAM! Muscle SPASM OF DOOM! I immediately panicked because I knew I was a half hour from home, I had to drive my car, and I immediately couldn’t even walk or move. The therapist and I instantly tried working on it to get it to calm down.

We heated it, she did direct pressure and even massage, we stretched it…nothing helped. It was a freaking scene in the clinic because she had to help me with everything I did. She had to help assist me to the chair because I couldn’t move the leg, she had to get the heat for me. She had to help to and up onto the massage table while I writhed in pain. It was so embarrassing. And of course everyone watched in horror (probably not…but it sure felt that way). I was there for forty-five minutes with her trying to get it to calm down so I could at least leave. Finally we decided that I HAD to take the Valium, so she got my bag and some water for me. Luckily I had it with me.

After taking the pill it was like a twisted race against time. I needed the valium so that my leg could feel well enough to walk to my car and drive, but my Valium makes me pretty out of it and I didn’t feel comfortable driving while on it. What a mess.

When the spasms lightened a little, I was then able to at least move my leg a little bit so that I could walk if I crouched over and took tiny steps. I decided to leave at that point…there was nothing left they could do for me and as long as I could get myself into the car and comfortable, I was confident at that point that I would be okay to drive. As I was leaving, I bumped into my surgeon’s assistant, Hilda (aka nicest lady ever). She was so worried about me because I obviously looked like a hot mess. She didn’t know if I should drive like that. She lives in the town next to me and she wanted to drive me to a meeting place where Matt could then pick me up. I wanted to take her up on it, but the problem was that I was not leaving my car in the middle Providence overnight. I might as well leave a big sign on it saying “Please steal me!”

Hilda walked me all the way to my car, during which time she told me she really wants me to get a permanent handicapped placard. She told me to fill the papers out today and to send her the paperwork. She also said she was going to tell Dr. Schiller about the whole thing (I felt like it was when my mom used to say “Wait until I tell your father about this!”)

It took a few minutes to get into my car because of course I parked my car right next to a giant column and I couldn’t open my door very far. That made an already difficult situation even more difficult. Seems so silly to read that, I’m sure, but I was so stressed out from the mess of a scene at PT, then seeing Hilda and having her dote all over me and telling me she’s going to talk to Dr. S, and the tension from the spasm, this stupid column next to my car was like a monumental issue at the time.

I finally got myself into my car and found a position where I was actually pretty okay. I wasn’t irritating the spasm, and I could move my foot back in fourth to the pedals with minimal pain. It was obvious the valium was working and I could drive home. I just took it slow.

As I drove home, all of the everything that had happened over the last couple hours really just hit me all at once. I was overwhelmed and embarrassed. I was annoyed, aggravated, and most of all, severely discouraged. I kept having these awful “These spasms will never go away!” thoughts and the “I’m going to have to take Valium for the rest of my life!” thoughts. So dramatic, but I honestly couldn’t help it. I am not ever like that, ever. I pride myself on trying to always be thankful for what I do have, and grateful for an overall very healthy and happy life. But last night man, it all just kind of piled on.

And then it all just got worse. Because I am a Daddy’s Girl, through and through…right down to my core. I am the definition of a Daddy’s Girl. And my whenever anything got me discouraged, or down…or upset, I would always talk to my dad about it. He was the wisest man I’ve ever met; extremely intelligent, and insightful, and thoughtful. And besides all that, he was the most supportive person in my life. Always. He and I were two peas in a pod. So, for me, going through this has been difficult all along. But last night, after all I had been through that day, and the horrible pain that I was still having in my leg even three or four hours later, all I wanted was my Daddy.

I just wanted my Daddy. And he’s not here. So there it is. A girl sometimes just needs her dad…and I can’t have him. So while driving home, all of these awful emotions just hit me all at once and I had a “woe is me” sobbing-crying-pity-party all the way home and for about another hour after that.

Then I ate a brownie.

What can I say? Sometimes a girl just needs her Dad. BUT, I picked my head up, wiped the tears, realized I was being dramatic and have since just done my best to pick my sorry self up and move on. That’s what I do. I move on and adjust the sails.

Friday I see Sophia Bush (Val) again, and we are going to do more gentle stretches, no exercises. We may try some ultrasound, depending on how I’m doing. From this point forward I will not do any strenuous anything, I can’t even LOOK at strenuous exercises. No more of the exercises Dr. Schiller gave me. I just have a couple stretches that Val gave me and I have to do those three times a day every day.

Today, I am looking forward, and not backward. I’m realizing that even when I can’t hug my dad, he’s still hugging me. He’s here, and he’s supporting me, even if I sometimes can’t see that. Today, I move forward, and not backwards. This psoas is a roadblock, but I’ll find a detour to keep the course.