One Day at a Time

Today I write from the sorrow-y side of things, so I apologize in advance for any melodramatic undertones. BUT, I have had a giant fudge-y brownie so it shouldn't be toooo bad.

Well. Here's what's what. After that PT appointment I discussed in my last Climbing Mountains post, I walked over to Dr. Schiller's office to thank Hilda for everything she had done for me while I was in my meltdown so wonderfully described in my Wallows and Sorrows post. When I saw her, she asked me to come into her office and we just chatted about all my stress of the situation, and how much it hurts and how it's really worrying me. Dr. Schiller just happened to be in the hallway and came over to give me a hug and try and see what is going on with this stupid screwed up hip (LITERALLY). I described my issues and my concerns, and he felt around in the area that's really bothering me. After talking with me and feeling around, he immediately said "Let's just order the MRI." He really wants to see what's going on, since I'll probably need it eventually anyway…why wait? So, I get the MRI tomorrow morning at 7:15. 

Lets fast forward from last Friday to this past Wednesday. Now I've been to PT with Val three times, and I've been doing my exercises, stretches, and massage three times a day for almost two weeks. The PT activities that I have been doing at home and in office are not seeming to help one bit. What's worse, after I do my stretches at night...my leg actually hurts so bad I can't even bend down to pick up my yoga mat off the floor. I have to leave it there all night, where is stares at me like a sign of failure…"You can't even pick me up, you weak and angry psoas" (that's the brownie talking).

I should at least be feeling a little better after two weeks. The stretching should at least seem to be relieving the pain, even if it's just a little bit. And Val said that while massaging, she's noticing that it doesn't seem any more loose in there, it should at least seem a little less contracted and irritated. Everything still feels extremely hard and tight. These, obviously, are not the greatest of signs. So, for now, we are holding off on everything except heat/ice and massage until we get the MRI results and have a better idea of what's happening in there.

I had a stressful work day, today. I am really having a hard time figuring out what I should be doing. My job requires a lot of physical labor, sometimes heavy lifting and moving, and always a lot of walking and climbing. These types of activities, I know, are not great for your hip and especially not good for a mega-angry psoas. Drugging myself up on the Valium helps me get through the day…but really...how long do I go on like this? If I talk to my surgeon about this and he takes me off field work again, all I'll do is worry about losing my job. 

I know that the MRI will help figure out what we'll need to do from here…but between when I have the MRI and when I'll likely see my surgeon to discuss the results will probably be a week. Next week I have strenuous field work every single day, with serious deadlines that project work depends upon. Work that really only I could do. 

Today, my leg spasmed just from walking down the hall. That was new. It's usually just been when sitting or standing motion. I am certain I'm overloading it…but I'm walking a strange line, I'm in a gray area. I don't know what to do. The spasms aren't constant and sometimes I can go a whole day without a serious spasm, but when I do get them, they are debilitating. What if I'm in the middle of the woods and I get one of these? How do I hike a mile out of the woods if I can't even move my leg? Worse, what if I step in another freakin' hornets nest (seriously…who does that?)? 

BUT, what if I say that I can't do any more field work until I figure out what is going on with my surgeon and end up having absolutely no issues the whole time. I don't want to let anyone down, and I don't want to miss out on good field experience….but I, most importantly, just want to get better. 

I am in an impossible situation. 

I am hoping that I see my surgeon tomorrow after PT, and I am hoping that he can give me some guidance on what he thinks I should do with field work. Matt is really worried about me continuing field work, and rightfully so. There are a lot of unknowns, and a lot of "What ifs?" 

So, here's a big, exhaustive sigh. I am stressed to the max about all this. I really hope I can figure some of this out tomorrow.