Just Psoas We're Clear...

…I'm not out of the woods.

Not at all.

It's rearing it's ugly head again, and I'm nearly in a tailspin.

Two days ago we were celebrating Christmas with my family-in-law. It was a wonderful day with the two new kiddos in the family. We were exchanging gifts and I was sitting on the floor with Josh, getting ready to help him open some gifts. There was nothing of any value to note really…I wasn't sitting in a strange position, or jerking about in any particular way. It just, all of a sudden happened. My psoas tensed up and tweaked. It began to ache and throb, just like it used to do right before it would spasm. I felt my face go white, and I know Matt sensed my panic because he kept asking me what was wrong and saying to sit on the couch and relax.

It never ended up actually spasming, and by the end of the night I had almost completely forgotten about it. I took some ibuprofen before bed, and made sure not to sleep on my right side at all. I woke up yesterday and felt much better.

But then this morning, as I crawled out of our big easy chair (the same chair I was in the first time I ever had a psoas spasm…apparently I don't learn lessons well. This was, to say the least, a "teachable moment."), the psoas tensed up and throbbed/ached again. This time it was to the point where I was afraid to stand up straight, because that was always the spasm trigger the last time this was an issue. I immediately took some ibuprofen and put some heat on it. It's about three hours later and it feels a lot better now.

But the thing is…now it's out there. Now it's a worry again. Something I will constantly be paranoid about. What if it happens while I'm alone with Josh? I don't want to be dramatic, but I hate the thought of it happening while I'm taking care of him. Now I'm so careful when lifting him, extra cautious not to move or bend oddly. It's disheartening, to feel like this will always be a wet blanket hanging over me.

When I first started drafting this entry, I wrote the first line as: "I'm not out of the woods, yet." After a while I realized that my condition may not be conducive to the use of "yet" in that statement. I am starting to think that I will never truly be out of the woods with this "recovery." Can I even call it a recovery after four years? I guess so…

Anyway, it's a harsh realization, when you go from carefree back to concern in the blink of an eye.

Matt and I keep trying to say that we have to cut my hip a bit of slack here, considering my body has changed SO MUCH in a year and a half. I've gone from 126 pounds pre-pregnancy, to 173 pounds in nine months; and then from 173 pounds to 111 pounds in the next eight months. That's a CRAZY amount of change for my body. I'm hoping that I can just start doing some daily stretches and just be a little more cognizant of it, and maybe it won't end up being an issue at all.

I will keep you posted. I'm hoping this is just a quick bump in the road.

(OT) A Deluge Of Love

"How does it feel to be a mom?"

I get that question a lot. It seems like such a simple question, but it couldn't have a more complicated answer.

How does it feel to be a mom? I think the shortest answer is: overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed with confusion, and exhaustion. (Oh...the exhaustion.) I'm overwhelmed with laughter and smiles, and sheer joy. I'm overwhelmed with anticipation for the future. I'm overwhelmed by the lightening fast changes.
I'm engulfed by WORRY. (The worry...it's palpable, especially in the small hours of the morning.) I'm overwhelmed by the constantly growing "to-do" list. I'm drowning in laundry and cleaning and dishes. I'm overwhelmed by all other aspects of my life, because it is very difficult to keep up with the rest of the world. I feel like I am running a race, and I am very far behind. I'm constantly beleaguered with the need to feed, clothe, change, entertain, and soothe this little being.

But on top of all things, the most prominent sentiment...the feeling that conquers them all, with it's resolute presence? I am so totally overwhelmed with love. The love flows like a constant, unwavering deluge. Love like I never knew existed. It's a feeling that you just cannot understand or explain until you have a child. It's like a piece of me from inside is now on the outside. And he's this little beautiful, smiling, happy-go-lucky boy who just now consumes all of my waking moments.

He is the everything in my life. The sun rises and it sets with his smiles and laughter. His heartbeats make mine skip. The little, soft hands touch my face and, in turn, melt my heart. He fills me up in places that I didn't know were empty. He is the very heart and soul inside me.

He is so overwhelmingly all-consuming that sometimes I just can't stand it. So that. That is how it feels to be a mother. It's wonderful, and confusing, and hilarious, and maddening, and exhausting, and overwhelming.

How does it feel to be a mother? Even "overwhelming" doesn't seem to do it justice. But it is absolutely the best thing that I have ever done. Being his momma is the best, but most difficult experience of my life...and I can't wait to see what our future holds. 

Oh Baby!

Hi!
Oh my. I'm a terrible blogger and I apologize. I've been a bit busy, you know…having a baby and all!

We've welcomed JM! He was born April 17, weighing 7 lbs 7 oz. A perfectly healthy and happy, beautiful gift from above. To say Matt and I are over the moon is just a bit of an understatement. He is the best thing that has ever happened to us and we are so in love!

He's just about 8 months old now. He's kind of saying "Mama," he's trying really hard to crawl, and he's got two teeth coming in on the bottom! He is just the bees knees. :)

I could go on forever about what it's been like to be a mom, but honestly I feel like this first post back into this blog after such a long absence should be short and sweet for you guys. Just to get you up to date on the most important stuff, so I don't overwhelm you with a 4329473 page long post about mom-hood.

As far as the end of my pregnancy, and my delivery goes, I really had a pretty great experience. I think a lot of women hip-y's who hope to start family's worry a lot about how our hips will impact our pregnancies and deliveries.

I have to tell you that having RPAO made ALL the difference in my pregnancy. I had very little pain, if any, on my right side. I gained about 50 pounds and honestly, I hardly had much pain at all. I mostly just felt heavy and achy. But I'm sure all women feel that way at the end of a pregnancy. The majority of the pain and discomfort that I felt was in my left side sciatic, and some general left side hip pain. To remind you all, I still have impingement on that side, so there's some lingering pain there. Nothing that I feel needs to be addressed, though. The only thing I really felt on my right side was occasional weakness.

As far as delivery goes, my hip surgeon, OB/GYN, husband and I all had conversations about how to approach delivering this baby. Matt's main concern (and rightfully so) was me re-injuring my hip during delivery and not being healthy to enjoy my new baby. We also worried about me being injured and poor Matt having to take care of me and help with the new baby. I worried about these thing, a lot. I reached out to other women who delivered vaginally and heard good success stories, however I also heard women talking about not being able to get the baby through the birth canal. Some even told me they re-tore their labrum while pushing. It took a lot of time to think and deliberate, but everyone pretty much came to the conclusion that a scheduled caesarian was the way to go.

I'm going to get real for a second, because I know you other hip-y's can understand. Do you know what I feared most? I feared being injured during delivery and falling back into that depressing feeling of helplessness that we can sometimes get in to. Only people with chronic pain can really understand what I'm talking about when I say this. But I honestly worried so much that I would tear a labrum, or something even worse, and I would have this new baby that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to enjoy because I would be consumed by the thoughts of another surgery and recovery. Or worse, the thought that maybe I did something that wasn't able to be fixed. Those feelings of pain and constant exhaustion and helplessness? I couldn't bear the thought of having those emotions with my first new baby in my arms.

So we chose caesarian. And you know what? I am SO GLAD that I did. In comparison to my PAO, it was EASY-PEASY. There was some pain, but the surgery and recovery was seriously so easy and smooth.

I just want to say for a sec: I am not insinuating that a c-section is not serious business. I don't want to offend anyone who's had a c-section and felt it extremely difficult. It's major abdominal surgery and it is not anything to mess with. I am just telling you that for me, since it was my fourth surgery in four years, it was a pretty easy recovery.

I have so many other things I want to say, and I promise to say them all at some point. But for now I just want to get back on the horse with this blog and say "Hello!" and "I'm back!"

I can't wait to get back into a groove with this! I really missed it.

We'll talk soon,
D

Eager Anticipation

Hello folks!,

I know I’ve been pretty quiet on here, but really, there hasn’t been much to report in the way of the hips! Which is really great news!

Current Status:

How far along?: 37 weeks + 3 days

Weight gain?: ~45 lbs

Here’s a somewhat current picture from last weekend. They say there’s a “honeydew melon” in there, but they have to be lying. It’s closer to something like a watermelon or donut car tire. Also note that this is 7 days ago, and if you don’t think that makes a difference you are very wrong.

UPDATE:
Just took a new picture tonight, so for comparison (sorry for the bright flash, lighting was terrible):

Baby is doing great! We are just about 3 weeks from liftoff and we cannot wait! We have all the furniture in place, pictures are hung, the clothes and swaddles are washed and ready, we’ve got a short list of names, and he’s got swings and pack ‘n plays and bouncers and all sorts of fun baby things. My hospital bag is packed and in the trunk of the car, I’ve got all my snacks for the hospital ready (this is noteworthy, as I am a constant snacker), even hubby’s stuff is all packed. We are officially READY!

This time has really flown by, it’s unbelievable to me to think that we will have our little guy in our arms in less than 3 short weeks (or sooner!).

As far as my hips go, I really can’t complain at all. There have been occasional days of discomfort; maybe in the sciatic or general arthritic joint pain. However, I really can’t say it’s been something that’s felt significantly worse because of the pregnancy.

So, what does feel different? Well, here’s what I’ve noticed in my hips and back: the heaviness really weighs on me (pun totally intended, FYI). While it’s not constantly painful, by the end of the day my hips and pelvis are very sore and achy. 45 pounds is a lot of extra weight to carry around. My days go mostly like this: When I wake up in bed, my hips are really achy and painful from lying in bed all night. I get up and go downstairs to have a cup of coffee and watch the news for about a half hour. I spend this time stretching my hips and trying to open up my pelvis. I do the butterfly stretches and I try to stretch out my sciatic and psoas a bit as well. This typically feels amazing. I get my day going and by the time I’m out of the shower and dressed, I feel pretty good. I’ve loosened up and I go about my business. The only time I feel any real pain throughout the day is if I sit for an extended period of time, so I try to get up once an hour and walk around the office a little bit.

By the end of the work day, I’m pretty tired…and my hips are getting pretty tired, too. By the evening hours, it’s about all I can do to get off the couch. It’s not that it’s excruciating at all, it’s just exhausting to be tired and achy. I’m sure all pregnant women, everywhere, can relate to this. The pain is an odd kind of pain. It’s not hip pain like I am used to experiencing (although I sometimes feel that arthritic pain as well). It’s like an aching in my groin and outer hips. Like the ligaments are sore and achy almost? It’s hard to explain.

Anyway, we covered my 45-minute bedtime routine in my last post. Now that I’ve gotten more uncomfortable I’ve changed it up a little bit. I have started taking two Tylenol before bed, and most nights I take a warm bath to try and ease the inflammation in my pelvis. Some nights I’m way too tired to take a bath, but I try to force myself because it does help. By the time I’ve filled the tub, soaked my daily stress away, and crawl into bed, the Tylenol has usually started to kick in and I can start with a fairly painless sleep position.

Sleep is still good to me, for the most part. I guess, what I should say, is that it’s as good to me as you can expect for a 37.5 week pregnant woman. I typically start on my left, non-operated side. That’s the side I’m most used to sleeping on because I never used to be able to lie on my right side pre-PAO. I still feel odd sleeping on my right side, although I’m getting better at it. I can really only sleep on my left side for about 3 hours before it’s really uncomfortable and painful. The pain is the hip pain I’m used to. It’s a stabbing, aching pain in the joint, and the ligament pain I explained above accompanies it as well. By this time I have to pee anyway (shocking!), so I get out of bed and when I get back in, I switch over to the right. A few hours after that, typically around 3 AM, I start to play the “which side hurts less?” game. The rest of the bed time is spent switching from position to position with some short periods of sleep in there. Most nights I get about 5-6 hours a night of sleep, which I think is pretty good all things considered. Some nights (like a couple nights ago), I sleep really awesome and it’s amazing. I was in bed for like 10 hours and got about 8 hours of sleep. Probably the last time that will happen until my son leaves for college…

Well, that’s really kind of it. To wrap up I will just say that every day it is more evident to me that this surgery really did change my life. I could not have handled this pregnancy if I hadn’t had PAO. There’s absolutely no doubt about it. It’s amazing to me to think about how great I am doing even though I weigh so much more and have such a burden on my hips. It’s not just the weight (although that is such a huge factor…pun intended again), it’s also the change in my center of gravity, and it’s the loosening of the ligaments and joints. I am certain that if I hadn’t had this PAO and labrum repair/microfracturing, I would be absolutely miserable. I don’t think it would even be possible to move around much. Just another reason why I am so grateful for Dr. Schiller, and for PAO; because of the surgery, I have been able to have such a great pregnancy. I cannot believe how lucky and blessed I have been. I have enjoyed every second so far. It’s been such an amazing experience, that I’m actually almost sad that it will be over soon! Clearly we are so excited to meet our little guy and have him in our arms…but there is just something so special about carrying a child. I can’t explain it, but it’s been the most amazing experience. I am sure I will miss carrying him once he decides to make his appearance!

So, here’s to two and a half more weeks of eager anticipation and unwavering excitement! We will be waiting for you, whenever you are ready Baby G! You just say the word, and we will be ready and waiting with open arms. See you soon, my little love!

We’ll talk soon, xoxo

D

P.s. I leave you with this:

27 weeks + 2

Well hello! 

Last time I posted I shared the exciting news of our pregnancy! That was around 18 weeks, and now I am 27 weeks and 2 days(ish). I really haven't needed to post much because I've been feeling really great! Up until lately I’ve had minimal hip pain and have been smooth sailing.

And really, in general, I still feel pretty great. I honestly can't complain! I’ve been so lucky. I hear a lot of women talk about how awful their pregnancies were. Constant nausea, terrible pains, no sleep, awful acne, tremendous weight gain, etc. It really runs the gamut of symptoms. I have very little to complain about.

For the most part: I'm still sleeping generally okay, besides the needed to pee every five seconds. I have rouge nights were I get hardly any sleep at all. Not always because I’m uncomfortable, but sometime just because I physically cannot get myself to fall asleep. It’s very bizarre. Like a pregnancy insomnia. 
I'm heavy. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m up 26 pounds. Listen, that may not sound like a whole lot for a pregnancy, but I am tiny person. I’m barely over 5 ft tall and I’m about 125 lbs typically, so carrying all that extra weight in the front is hard for me. Especially with my joint issues. I knew I’d gain weight, and I’m genuinely okay with that. I am carrying it all in my belly, and I’m not really filling out elsewhere which is a good sign for losing the weight post-baby. The only thing that really bothers me about the heaviness is that it makes it difficult to do the day-to-day things. My back hurts, my legs are tired, I’m almost always winded (I had to take a second after putting on my sneakers this morning…), and my hips are starting to feel the strain.

However, I am managing. I'm trying to make sure to take breaks and relax when I can. I get tired easily, but I'm doing my best to take it easy. So far, the major hip concerns I have at this point are my left sciatica and some stiffness/uncomfortableness in my right hip. The sciatic pain is something that is normal in many typical pregnancies, I think that for me it's just slightly more exacerbated due to the pelvic issues I've had. I have been struggling with this almost daily. Right now it's not usually too awful, but it's regularly painful and the constant pain can be hard to cope with sometimes. My biggest concern is that I still have 13 weeks to go, and I'm certainly not going to get smaller. Ya know? Baby's only (God willing) going to get bigger, which means I am going to get bigger. This is the main concern: If I’m feeling this way now, how am I going to feel as I put on more weight? I can only hope that the weight gain continues to be gradual, and that my body adapts to the weight change as I go.

So, what am I trying to do for this? Well, almost every day I'm doing a series of stretches and yoga poses to assist with the sciatic pain and to try and open up and keep my hips and pelvis loose and flexible. It also helps keep me feeling like a little bit less of a lazy shlub. I haven't exercised once since I found out I am pregnant and I'm feeling slightly guilty about that. I am just trying to be understanding of my body and not overdo it when I really don't have to. I’m not gaining weight uncontrollably, I'm still eating pretty healthy food and snacks, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything as far as exercising goes. Also, I'm generally exhausted most of the time and I feel like I would just fall asleep on the exercise bike. BUT, besides the stretches, I'm making sure to get up off my butt every hour at work and walk around a bit. I do a few laps around the office to get my blood pumping and to keep myself from getting too stiff. This does help a lot, as well.

On another note: I’d just like to state for the record that this pregnancy thing is pretty wild. It’s been an extremely interesting physical and emotional experience. There are a lot of things that women just do not tell you (or maybe it’s just not over-emphasized, or maybe I just wasn't prepared). I don’t know if it’s because they don’t want to scare you, or if they don’t want to complain, or what. Or maybe we, as women, just take this all in stride so well. But let me tell you, there are some bizarre things that go on in a woman’s body during pregnancy.

First of all, this stomach growing thing is out of control. I think it’s pretty much every day that I wake up and my stomach is a bit bigger. There’s crazy stretching feelings that go along with this; like you’re a balloon being inflated. It’s not necessarily painful, but it certainly doesn’t tickle. And the itching? Forget-about-it. I’m lotion-ing up every night like I’m on some Aveeno commercial. Matt laughs at me because I have like a 45 minute bedtime routine (half that is spent actually trying to get INTO bed). Between the pillow arrangement, actually getting into bed, the lotion application, the chap stick and then the catching my breath, I have to start at like 8:30 pm.

Another thing, the MOVEMENT: This baby is going to be some kind of martial arts extraordinaire. Either some kind of Jiu-Jitsu, or like a Taekwondo? Or maybe just plain old kick boxing, I have no idea. But whatever it is, he will be fabulous. I also predict he’ll come out of the womb walking with all of the strength and conditioning he’s getting in there with the kicking. How do you other pregnant ladies focus all day? I mean, really? I will sit in meetings and I am so concerned that people are staring at my belly (the one in which my child is doing back flips and cart wheels and somersaults). He’s active pretty much all day. I mean, don’t get me wrong…I love to feel him move, it’s the best thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. There’s absolutely nothing like it. But…that’s the problem! How do you do anything else with yourself when all you want to do is laugh and giggle at this crazy kid having a rave in your belly? I guess I just always imagined it was more like occasional feelings of movement. Like when my sister-in-law was pregnant with my littlest niece, I remember thinking how rarely it seemed I had the opportunity to feel her kick. No, no. I was very wrong. I’m glad he’s active, because it means I can regularly know that he’s doing just fine in there, but sometimes Matt and I are downright shocked by him rolling and kicking!

Emotions: let’s just have a quick chat about this. The other day, I nearly cried at a commercial with a puppy in it. It was a dog food commercial and it showed a kid and his puppy growing old together and it just hit me right in my pregnancy feels. I had to take a minute to collect myself. There are many other triggers. If it’s got a baby in it, I’m likely to get emotional. I got a bit wet in the eyes during parts of the State of the Union address (really?....). I had my performance review at work a few weeks ago and I got weepy as I tried to explain how great of a year I’ve had at work. What? That one really made no sense. It’s like I am a crazy person. I also have a zero-tolerance policy on stupidity or laziness. I have very little left in patience. I don’t take any crap from anyone, which is a good and bad thing, as far as work goes.

And lastly, let me just talk about the hunger for a second. People (men especially), the pregnancy hunger that is so hilariously portrayed in romantic comedies is FOR REAL. I can’t say that I’ve personally experienced much in the way of cravings. But I have never been so hungry all of the time in all of my life (and I am a hungry person…an eater by nature). I will eat an entire giant meal, and still not be full. Just a couple weeks ago I had a whole appetizer plate of calamari on my own, then I had spaghetti and meatballs with bread, and went on to top off with a hearty piece of Tiramisu. It was delicious! And I wasn’t even full. That is like freakish. I was appalled at myself for just a hot second, then I remembered that I just don’t care at all. I have another similar lunch opportunity coming up this afternoon and I am seriously looking forward to it. This is my eating schedule:

5:15 am: Cereal
6:45 am: Hubby makes me a fruit smoothie for our ride to work

8:00 am: Frozen waffles (these are delicious FYI) or oatmeal

10:00 am: Snack (usually strawberries and blueberries or some kind of fruit...baby loves oranges)

11:30 am: LUNCH because I cannot wait another second. Usually a frozen lean cuisine and a small salad or something

1:30-2:00 pm: Snack (usually carrots and hummus)

Then this is the worst stretch of the day: I try to make it until dinner around 5:00. (I honestly almost always cave and have a bag of popcorn or some chocolate covered almonds)

5:00 pm: Dinner

6:30-7:00 pm: Dessert: Before pregnancy: a fleeting desire mostly snuffed by the will-power to stay away from unnecessary calories. Now?: An absolute necessity that I don’t go a single night without. Sometimes it’s Oreos and milk, sometimes it’s ice cream, sometimes it’s brownies. 
I don’t know or care what the daily caloric intake is there. And let me tell you that if I was taking this pregnancy eating thing with reckless abandon, there would be several other snack times in there. This is me being controlled and self-contained. THE HUNGER IS LIKE NOTHING I HAVE EVER EXPEREINCED.

Anyway, I’ve seemed to ramble on like I do. I’ll keep you posted as I move along in this pregnancy thing. My next OB appointment is in a couple weeks, I’ll post if there’s anything of interest to note!

Bye all, time for a snack,

D and baby G